World of Darkness - notes from a new player

Today, a change from GM blogging to blog about the World of Darkness

Relatively recently I've started playing the World of Darkness. My first game, quite a few months ago was Changeling: the lost. I loved the concept – that you were taken to the world of Faerie and somehow, by holding onto the memories of the past you find your way back to your world only to realise that everything has changed. The GM ran it based on the Fables comic, with players picking characters from fairy tales. It was a beautiful concept and I wish I had been more sure of myself when I played. Unfortunately I only knew one of the players and felt a bit awkward about not understanding the roles – pro tip: always ask. No one's going to think less of you. I understood the game as a metaphor for an abusive relationship, that everything in Faerie is beautiful and intense but it's also cruel and evil. That might be me thinking about it too much though. Unfortunately that game didn't continue beyond one session.

I'm now playing Wraith:the oblivion which I really like. One of the favourite parts for me is that you play another player's shadow (in the Jungian sense). You choose an archetype and whisper things according to your archetype. For example, my archetype is parent so my shadow player whispers things about how I am better off alone and I will only hurt the people I'm trying to help and that she knows best for me. I am playing the freak archetype so I whisper about how I am the only one who understands and that Tina, the character should do the things she wants to do, even if they involve murder. It's an interesting way of involving other players in scenes when the party is separated although it can get confusing when we're all together.

There is also another relationship I like, a contentious one with a character who hates the fact that my character, Linda had been indoctrinated into a cult and was responsible for indoctrinating others. When we left the last game he had just elbowed Linda in the face during a flashback. I need the next game to run soon so that she can catch up with him and 'talk' to him!

Anyway, aside from me getting far too into Wraith I'm also going to be playing a number of vampires in a few months which I still have to figure out. If those games are as good as the other two World of Darkness games though I'm really looking forward to it.

The resolution - Learning to GM part 5

So after all the prep and the panic I finally finished the second part of the two part session of Cthulhu Dark which was my first GMing experience. Warning – some body horror.

So, firstly, I was lucky enough to be a player in a Cthulhu Dark game run by an excellent GM the night before. This was pure coincidence, it happened to be running at London Indiemeet but I didn't know that it would be. I learnt so much from playing it about how to push your players in certain directions while still giving them agency. (I still died horribly at the end of course.)

I planned this game to death and about halfway through I threw away the majority of my plans other than the general idea. It made the game 100% better and 100% more fun for me.

Someone on here suggested when I complained that I didn't look or sound scary enough that the thing to do is talk to your players like they are your best friends and they are in danger. He also suggested looking behind them occasionally while you're talking to create a sense of paranoia. Do this – it works!

I altered the character sheets so that they asked some questions of the players, including why they were there and asked them to invent an NPC they were close to. As a result my characters were:

Junji Ito – Former corrupt police detective in his 60s who used to do favours for the mob. Now working at the museum on Christmas Eve so he didn't see he son who he believed was being hurt by his influence. His NPC was Robin, a quiet cheerful man (who it transpired knew more than he than he appeared to).

Stephen Murphy – Working Christmas Eve because he had no where else to be. Former TFL worker. Once hit his ex wife during a particularly nasty argument and hates himself for it. His NPC was Reggie – a former bus driver, now a cleaner with a drinking problem who steals from the museum.

We also had a curator, Erik Kristiansen – I asked him slightly different questions on the character sheet and this, in addition to where the plot went kept him close to his NPC, Katrine Hansen throughout the game. On his character sheet he described beautifully one of the scariest moments of his life; walking across a frozen lake with Katrine and hearing it crack under his feet. Katrine was Erik's friend but became one of the cult's victims, albeit one who survived. I think, in hindsight, it would have been good to have asked him the question I asked the other PCs about the worst thing he ever did.

It was really helpful to have character secrets and fears that I could play on in the game – this made it so much easier to improvise. (At one point I had Eric having a vision of being trapped under ice in a lake. His roll to escape was OK but not great so when he came back his fingernails were bloody and falling off.)

Some things I did that weren't so great:

• One of the character's didn't care about any of the psychological stuff, although the body horror worked. I don't think there was much that I could have done about that – it was in the character to behave like that, but a few times he left me not knowing how to respond (or have the NPC respond).
• There are only so many times that you can say 'you see a corpse' before it loses it's value.

It was fun though – in a different way from playing. I enjoyed it a lot more once I got rid of my notes and made it up as I went along. I'm not going to GM full time but I will definitely do it again. (I've got a copy of Monsterhearts on order and I'm going to try it out at London Indiemeet.

There were some bits that seemed to work really well (I am going to put in a trigger warning here for self harm – due to the cult's influence there was a lot of it).

• One of the psychological horror things which worked really well, the radios that the characters were carrying got increasingly staticky and the PCs started hearing loved ones talking to them.
• The cult taking over Katrine and making her carve an Ankh in herself was effective, but mainly because of the reaction of Erik who loved her. If he had been indifferent it wouldn't have been as interesting.
• When the characters tried to set fire to the museum the sprinklers turned on (I think it was one of the characters rather than me who first mentioned sprinklers, and I just ran with it!).
• To open the room to where the relic was that held the power a character had to cut themselves quite badly. I expected that one of the characters would do it themselves but Stephen jumped on Junji and cut him.
• I expected the destroying of the relic would be the end but Junji insisted on looking for the cult and ended up going insane while the building collapsed around him.
• Eric had another vision where he had to choose between his life and Katrine's. He choose hers and they both lived and escaped the museum.
• Stephen and Reggie lived and went off to the pub despite Reggie trying to stab Stephen moments before.

So now that's over my next GM project will be Monsterhearts. In the meantime please let me know if you have any topics that you'd like me to blog about.

The trials of GMing - Part 4

The end is near

So I'm writing the final session of my game. I have a really good idea of how it will start and I'm really excited about the way it will wrap up, it's the in between parts that I'm struggling with. 

I was given the suggestion that you give the PCs 3 clues and that should lead them where you want them to go – which I am trying to do. I definitely don't want to  railroad them as much this time as I did last time where I was practically telling them “You have to go this way” by the end (especially as I have one PC who is a loose cannon who just wants to survive - entirely reasonable of course but sometimes you need the player to go down the secret passage!). Unfortunately, so far what I've written amounts to an information dump from NPCs and I want to do it better than that.

But dammit these are things that the PCs absolutely need to know.

I've tried getting the NPCs to give half the information and leave clues for the other half. I will just have to stay calm and keep my mouth shut if they go the wrong way and hope that they turn round eventually. I just don't want them to get bored.

This is really difficult!

Learning to GM - Part 3

The game is on

So with much trepidation (just ask anyone who's known me for the last week.) I GMed my first game on Wednesday.

It was a Cthulhu Dark game set in the Conway Museum, a dilapidated mansion that was once grand but fell into disrepair. There were few visitors to the museum as Charles Conway tended to open the museum erratically (including in the middle of the night) and chased people away if he didn't like the sense of them. There have been even fewer visitors a week ago since Charles sold a lot of the items of value, scraped the rest and filled the museum with new and strange artefacts.

The game began at 8pm as the night security guards were beginning work. Snow was settling around the Museum. And maybe the lights are flickering a bit. But it was just for one night.

The first thing I realised was how supportive the roleplaying community is. I posted on Facebook that I was a bit nervous and got lots of replies telling me that it would be fine.

I think, for a first attempt it went OK (I'm defining OK as I didn't get flustered and give up in the first 5 minutes). About half way through I started to enjoy it.

The issue I have, which I should've realised was that 'no plan survives contact with your players.' There were three bits I regret I missed out, two because the players didn't do anything to trigger it and one because I completely forgot. (I think juggling 3 maps, 3 character sheets and a notebook didn't help.)

I also had the idea that the players would sweep the museum and not find anything too creepy the first time and then it would gradually get scarier, but they looked a bit bored so I quickly moved onto the scary bits which made for a shorter game (actually that was lucky because one of my players had to leave quite early).

I forgot to have a lines and veils talk at the start and then during a particularly gruesome scene had to say 'ugh, you guys are OK with this, right?'

I had to write a text on the train home so I could remember which NPCs were dead, which were alive but horribly injured and how and which were OK. I nearly sent it to my sister.

I don't think I used enough tension – at one point I was describing “this horrible thing, and then this horrible thing and then this horrible thing”

I didn't play up the NPCs enough. The one that featured in the game most, featured because the character she was most attached to was concerned about her. I need to sort that out for the next game.

At the end I was railroading the players a bit because I was worried that no one was going to find the one important thing that they needed to find. There was a book in a secret passage and I was trying every tactic I could to get at least one of my players to pick it up and read it! (“It's drawing you towards it” “You hear your adult son calling your name and it seems to be coming from that direction”)

The players wanted to play the second session and final of the game next week which I will take as a positive (although the guy who actually said it is far too nice to have requested I don't put him through another 3 hours of boredom!)

One of the players, the one who was helping me with this in the first place, said he would give me some feedback which will be really useful.

No one went completely insane which is good because it wasn't time to go insane. Later maybe.

I think the take away is (and I know how hypocritical I sound) if you want to try out GMing find some friends you trust not to laugh at you and just do it. If I know you IRL I'm very happy to play in your first game and I promise I will make it as easy for you as possible because I know how stressful the whole thing is.

That is not dead which can eternal lie

Learning to GM – part 2

See this post for part 1 of my lack of GMing experience.

I've written the first session and my game is this Wednesday. I am taking deep, calming breaths.

I don't think I've been this uptight since I had to teach a class for the first time. At least I've already humiliated myself in front of every one of my players on various occasions so in theory being self conscious won't be a problem.

In theory.

These are the things I have learnt so far in the process – to be updated once I've actually GMed a game:

• My mind is actually quite warped – I was just finishing some details and I think I scared myself a bit.
• Then again, there is not much that doesn't scare the hell out of me.
• Apart from, I have been practising my scary voice – it's not very scary.
• So grateful that I had help with this – I can't imagine I would've even known how to start on my own.
• I hope that I get to pay that forward someday (is that a bit corny?).
• Making maps is actually quite fun.

OK – I am going to calm down and finish preparing. Please feel free to post any GMing tips. Or, even better, send Vodka.

Triggers and trauma in tabletop roleplaying games

Some games (particularly indie games) can allow players and GMs to introduce sensitive subjects into the narrative. Is it possible for games to handle potentially triggering scenes or plot threads without ignoring a player's limits?

I have obsessively written and rewritten this post several times. This is a really important subject to me and to a lot of people and I want to do it justice without implying that there's only one way to handle this properly.

Some of the main ways used to try to prevent pushing anything beyond a player's comfort in tabletop gaming are lines, veils and X cards.

Lines: Are set at the start of the game (although can be added to later). This is where the players, ideally facilitated by the GM can decide "I'm not comfortable with this topic, I don't want it in the game for any reason". (For example, you may decide that abuse shouldn't occur in the game).

Veils: Are also set at the start of the game (and again can be decided later if the need arises). If something is set as a veil then it may occur in the game but it won't be described in any detail. (You may decide not to describe sex scenes in Monsterhearts for example).

X cards: Another way to do this is using an X card (and this can be in in addition to the lines and veils discussion). The GM draws an X on card and if anyone feels uncomfortable then they can hold up the card, and the GM or the player who is talking at that moment will move away from the subject.

GMs who do this are great. I've seen it used in cons and I've seen it used in private games and it suggests a consideration of the player's private life and a commitment to the enjoyment of the game.

So, are they a total solution? I don't think so. Personally I had an experience where something triggering came up in a game and I wasn't able to verbalise that I was having difficulty with the topic. It's hard to explain why I acted the way I did and I'm not sure that I understand it myself. The GM gave me two options after a bad roll and the non- traumatic one made complete sense for the character's personality. Except that something about the phrasing and the framing and the fact that I didn't expect it made me unable to stop my character being abused in the game, although I easily would've been able to. This then bled through to my real life and left me feeling a bit vulnerable for a day or so. (This was absolutely not the GM's fault – I gave no indication that I felt like that and hadn't made him aware that abuse was a line - I hadn't realised it was.) If it happened again I would like to think I would get up from the table until I felt calmer.

There have been times when I have been unable to express at the start of the game that something is a line for me. It's not so bad around friends but with strangers there's something about it for me which feels like I'm telling people things about myself that I don't want them to know. It can feel like there's shame attached to some types of trauma sometimes. (This is not advice – if you are able to you should absolutely talk about where your lines are at the start of the game – you have no reason to feel ashamed).

Someone suggested to me for a game I designed that I could use a Microscope type palette, which means each player says explicitly what they want and don't want at the start of the game. It may be easier to say 'I want dragons and magic in the game and I don't want there to be time travel or sexual abuse'.

Maybe.

And to complicate matters further, the subjects that upset me aren't always upsetting in game. A lot of it is in the framing. And sometimes playing out subjects which are a bit painful and personal can be cathartic, particularly if I'm aware in advance that they're going to be in the game. There is something that draws a lot of people to games which explore the darker aspects of life. There are many enjoyable lighter games too, but there a lot of games that make you feel something stronger, almost painful, in the moment and that isn't a bad thing.

I have no solutions. I really wish I did. All I can say is that players – if you think a game is going to contain difficult material try to let someone know (even if it's the GM in private). If something comes up which you find too painful or triggering you can say stop and no one should ask why and the game can move on to something else. (If someone else says stop when you're the one speaking please don't ask why – just move on.) Put your mental health first and leave the table if you have to.

GMs, please try to look out for your players. I know it's difficult and you can't read someone's mind and if you want to make a game scary, or gritty or hard-hitting you should absolutely do that. (I say this as someone who is planning a hopefully uncomfortably scary Cthulhu Dark game so I may be a bit biased). But if a player looks distressed it would be good if you could try to check on them, maybe discretely while you're taking a break and if someone is really anxious they might need to leave the game early. Please also consider if a discussion about lines and veils, and / or X cards is needed for your game, particularly if you don't know the players very well.

We are all in this together. My experience of role-players is that we look out for each other. Please lets look out for each other when things are difficult.

On character design

This entry is about descriptions of characters and how they shape their personality. Like a lot of this blog it probably mainly applies to indie games (although feel free to tell me I'm wrong) and is something that has recently occurred to me. It might be obvious to a lot of players.

                                                                          *****

In some games, no doubt for easy character creation, you are encouraged to consider your character's appearance as briefly as possible. What types of eyes do they have? What, if any, gender are they? What's their body shape?

This is particularly great for one shot games where you don't want to spend an hour creating a character description. It's also something I've done by choice. When described Fiasco characters in the past as 'male, brown hair, brown eyes, skinny and about 34,' for example, I've often only thought of them like that, without any real definition (at least until the game starts).

I was playing a game today where we were really encouraged to get into character description. I started off with the standard description of a 17 year old woman with stringy blonde hair. And then I started thinking, why is her hair stringy. Maybe she's making a statement that she doesn't consider appearance important. (Actually in this case she'd just survived the apocalypse so it probably wasn't the top of her agenda – but imagine if it had been, end of the world and she still cared about her hair, – you'd have a whole different character).

She had a light scar on her face where she had pushed past someone when the apocalypse started to try to get to safety. So, a fighter or a panicker. (I nearly always play characters who panic.I'm sure that this says nothing about me whatsoever.)

She was wearing ripped jeans and a hoodie top – possibly clothes to make a statement, particularly as her boyfriend was wearing something similar. (That was a coincidence but an interesting one). Could it mean something for the character? The relationship?

She was also wearing an old fishing jacket of her father's. Maybe that could say something about the relationship. He wanted to protect her and she loved him (or was obedient) enough to put up with the jacket. Something to consider when playing the relationship during the game.

She also had an old scar on her arm from when she had tried and failed to give herself a tattoo two years ago. I didn't specify what of but there are a few paths that could be taken with that. Obsession with something maybe? Or self destructive tendencies? Or teenage rebellion? Or peer pressure?

And you have the beginning of a character. I'm not trying to make any deeper point with this. Certainly there are lots of ways to shape your character e.g. through stats and abilities or merits and flaws. I just found it interesting that it allowed me to go into the game with more idea of who I was playing. I will also try to remember that just because the character sheet only gives me limited options doesn't mean that I can't have a more complete picture of the character in my head.