Exile: A Larp about depression, loneliness and connection

'A', sits in a dark room in a surreal plane of darkness. They share the last remaining food with a cat they befriended, who can talk, but no longer purrs, a shadow - an attached being who is part of A, yet independent and an embodiment of loneliness that can appear in any form.

The game is not about hopelessness, although despair seems to haunt the scenes. The play takes place entirely in the surreal plane, although stories from A's everyday life narrated by each character separate the scenes, and these take place in normal, everyday reality, one which A apparently no longer exists in.

As a prelude to the first act A spoke about her perfect sister who disappeared and had never been spoken of again. A could have tried to find out what happened to her but didn't. Why? Were they already detaching from everyday reality and becoming part of the dark world? A doesn't remember why they let it go so easily but is content to let it drift again. 
"It was a lifetime ago".

A, it became clear, was bitter and cynical. Whatever had gone before they were now trapped in a world of symbolic and literal darkness. A world reminiscent of depression where nothing mattered and everything was an effort. During the first scene, in a room lit by a dimly glowing lamp they speak with the shadow, the cat and the embodiment of loneliness. 

The shadow is almost childlike, wanting A to explore the world, to find light so that she could be seen. 
"Shadows can't be seen in darkness," she says
"And it's a shame because I'm beautiful, more beautiful than you... oh but it's not your fault, all shadows are more beautiful than their people."

The cat stopped the game slipping into outright misery. Desperately needing people and desperately hiding that need provided some light hearted moments, but moments that fit the tone of the game. The cat was the one driving the mission to find the last can of tuna, making it easier for A to leave the apartment than to argue.

Loneliness was an interesting character. I have no doubt that in some runs of the game loneliness is played as bitter and cynical, as flat as the way I played A. But here loneliness took an almost zen approach to their surroundings, encouraging A to keep waiting. That things were fine just as they were. That soon they would be over. Peaceful.

After the first scene, another story. And really the stories that the players told provided a lot of the insight and inner play that went into A's character. In the second one the player of the cat narrated a period of A's life where they had always gone to the shop with their parents and sister to buy sweets every Saturday, but gradually the sister stopped going, and then the parents stopped asking A if they wanted to go and finally A was watching from the window as the rest of the family came and left the house. 

Then, in the dark world, the trip to the supermarket to get the last can of tuna from the cat. Loneliness convincing the party to hide from possible movement in the distance. The shadow dancing under a street lamp feeling free until A pulled her away. A segue into another story, told by the shadow in character. A had just broken up with Matt and was crying. They had moved into a new flat and the shadow wanted to paint the walls bright colours and make everything look beautiful, and they could have done that, built a real life but A couldn't stop crying and she was 'so selfish'. And the shadow tried to tell them this but they couldn't hear. Which lead to A's only emotional outburst of the game as she and the shadow were huddled on the floor shouting at each other 
"You made me hope. You always made me hope. That's why I'm here."
They returned to the apartment. 

Back at the apartment, again dimly lit, the mood was solemn. There was one last can of tuna but when it was gone there was nothing. Only the cat ate. After playing out some discussions about what had happened, the world and A's past A said they were growing tired of it here. The shadow protested that there was some light, that they were needed to help feed the cat, that it was selfish to let go, because wherever A went the shadow had to follow.

Loneliness told a story, in character, of A's childhood. 
"You went to the fair with your sister and you won a balloon. Do you remember it? It was beautiful, you had never seen anything like it. But your sister, your younger sister who you loved wanted the balloon. And do you remember what you did."
A, voice wavering, eyes shut "I...I let go"
"Yes"
A sigh

A turns to her shadow. 
"We could let go. We can fall asleep"
"We might wake up"  The shadow replies.

They join hands.
                                                                   ****

The way I interpreted this game was an exploration of depression rather than loneliness. A depressed state would be hard to portray purely in a larp but the landscape was designed to be one which took the energy from A. Even the shadow, the most energetic and enthusiastic of characters could only find joy in the vague shimmer of light from the street lamp.

It is possible the 3 other characters were all parts of A trapped in the dark plane with them. It's possible the (unscripted) ending allowed A to come back to the real world. 

Some states, depression, loneliness. anxiety and lack of connection can be better explored through surreality and I think Exile does this well. However, for me the most intense and immersive moments came from the other character's stories about A's life, about what could've happened to bring them to this place. About whether there was a way back.


Exile can be found here.
     

Love in the Age of Debasement

Love in the age of debasement is a game about dysfunctional couples (at various levels of dysfunction). It’s quite an intense game obsentially about making the decision about whether to break up or stay together, but also about talking around a topic, and exploring power dynamics in a relationship.

Each couples had various issues, and we were playing next to a workaholic (who thought his partner was using him for money) and a party girl type (who wanted her partner to lighten up.) Their main conflict was whether they could continue as a couple given their different lifestyles, which was pre-generated information. You did have some options to create the background for the characters and in doing so you could create the stakes. Had they been together for 6 months? 18? Did they have shared friends? What were their hobbies and interests?

I played Hanna who was in a couple with Einar, her abusive boyfriend. This role came quite close to home in personal history, which is something that I wanted to explore. I felt that maybe there was something in the character I wanted to understand, to remember.  It felt safe. I was playing with a very good friend who had made it clear that he was looking out for me, one of the people I would really trust with this.

I found some of the mechanics of the game a bit difficult, but I wonder how much of that was in terms of our couple, who had a rather black and white dynamic. Although there was nuances - mainly put there by the wonderful person I was playing with, it was never going to be a situation with a potentially happy ending where the couple walked off into the sunset, all problems behind them.

The rules were that we could only address the issues in the relationship directly when our songs played (and after our last song when we had to decide whether to stay together or not). The two songs we chose were Tainted Love and Enjoy the Silence.

To start with this went quite well with Einar beginning apologetic and talking about plans for the future with Hanna. We did indirectly allude to the abuse, and I also established Hanna had been manipulated to the point where she believed that if she wasn’t the abuser herself then she was certainly partly responsible for it.

The issue of only being able to have the conversation about the partner’s central issue during the songs made things difficult and after the first song we let it slide a bit. I wonder if it was difficult for the other couples who had less black and white issues in their dynamic. We got in a bit of a circle and ended up playing out a process which would probably take a much longer time to play out in real life. Einar wanted Hanna to give up her job and Hanna wanted to keep her job, see her sister and visit her old friends from university. We played these conflicts out over again in a variety of ways.

Einar trying to force Hanna to call work and tell them she wasn’t coming in any more.

Einar taking her phone, deleting her work contacts and going through it. “Who’s James?”

Subtle threats, less subtle threats, shouting.

Hanna being sent to the bathroom after she started crying “tidy yourself up and stop making a scene.”

Hanna, with her best fake smile assuring Rita from the other couple that everything was fine.

Einar banging on the bathroom door “Hurry up”

“You just keep going on. We would be perfect if you didn’t keep going on all the time”

“Look at me. Now smile. Now kiss me. That’s better. We’re fine. Everything’s fine”

Hanna desperately apologising, not knowing what was wrong with her that she couldn’t keep the man she loved happy.

Talk of a child. Hanna realising this is something she wanted desperately.

Hanna saying “No, we shouldn’t have a child.”

Hanna suggesting she see a doctor or a therapist to find out why she acted so unpleasantly all the time.

Hanna daring Einar to hit her, telling him no-one was watching, wanting desperately to believe he could control his temper, that a child would be safe.

Einar telling her that she hadn’t heard the last of it. Storming out punching a wall on the way.

Einar and Hanna desperately clutching hands as the last song played, talking of going home, of decorating the house, of whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.

I think we got immersed to the point where we didn’t explore everything. We established that Hanna had been mainly isolated from her family and old friends, but not what Einar’s family were like. Traditional? Abusive? We didn’t really examine his reaction at all. The concept of the baby didn’t come up until near the end of the game, although it actually fuelled quite a large part of my internal play once the idea was there.

And why did Hanna stay? I wonder how many people have played the character before me, who have played a triumphant Hanna having a moment of realisation that she had to get out. How many others played a Hanna who was rescued (in the debrief the couple at the table next to us revealed that they had slipped out to phone the police who had been unhelpful.) And maybe less often, how many times did Einar’s player promise to change and mean it (at least for the moment.) But we didn’t play like that. Hanna was afraid, and she had been manipulated into believing she was complicit in the abuse. She had been worn down until she was dependent and had been isolated from her friends and family, from anyone who suggested that maybe Einar wasn’t good for her. And they were all reasons. But there was another one, one which isn’t often talked about in this narrative and that is the pure intensity of a relationship where you’re the centre of someone’s world. When you’re on a pedestal, adored, when you’re terrified to slip. Maybe that’s another reason.

I fell easily into Hanna’s mentality, but despite my experiences of abuse and despite Hanna’s fear of and for herself I never once as a player felt frightened or unsafe. I wonder how it would have felt to play against someone I didn’t trust so much and I’m not sure if I would have been able to do it.

It does raise an interesting question about playing games inclusively (and I do genuinely feel that we should be welcoming to people who are new to the hobby or the group) and playing characters who are more of a stretch for you in a small group of people you know and trust.

I suppose these options aren’t really mutually exclusive. I’ve been part of campaigns where the players have been selected as a continuation of previous campaigns and also larps and RPGs with lots of new players. I enjoy Nordic larping, and that can be intense. I remember how nervous I was the first time I played. So I think running games for newcomers should always be an option but so should playing games that stretch you in ways you only want to risk around people you know. Games where you can explore and understand things about yourself.

http://larpfactorybookproject.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/love-in-age-of-debasement.html

Diversity, Discussion and Dice

I'm still on the high that I felt when this day was over. The organisation and running of this event was only possible because of the help and support of my wonderful friends and fellow roleplayers. I was surprised at the interest in the diversity day when it was first suggest as a concept. I had several people say to me that an attempt to address several issues in one day was really welcome as a lot of cons have an hour long slot for diversity in gaming as a catch all. Thankfully we had some fantastic entertaining speakers and participants who contributed thoughtfully and brought a lot to the discussion.

We had 6 talks throughout the day in two rooms:

Dealing with triggers while gaming which I ran as a workshop on the meaning of triggering different safety techniques which were currently used and how they could be improved. There was a nice turnout and enough people to split the group into 4 so that we could examine techniques in more depth. (There was a singing class taking place in the background so sometimes I'd make a point and hear some inspiring music well up behind me - I would recommend that to all nervous public speakers!)

At the same time in the other room Graham Walmsley ran a talk and discussion on Other histories: Positve perspectives on Queerness and Women

In the second slot Joanna Piancastelli ran a talk on how to play characters which are different from yourself both sensitively and well.

Anita Murray ran a talk called Playing with Sex, looking at the positive aspects of sex in role playing. There was also a very interesting facilitated discussion that arose from this which covered bleed, consent and whether roleplayed sex could be romantic.

In the final slot Helen Gould ran a talk and discussion called Leaving the West which was about looking at different ways to set roleplaying games and play characters outside a Western setting with a particular focus on Africa.

Karolina Soltys ran a talk on sensitive and realistic portrayal of mental health issues in roleplaying which then became an interesting discussion on bleed and whether games could be designed which portrayed mental health in an accurate way.

After that we had a gaming session with Stiainín Jackson running her game Court Whispers, Karolina running a hack of the game A family affair involving one of the characters having mental health issues and Richard Williams running B x B by Jake Richmond and Heather Aplington.

Some of the transcripts of the talks and a write up of the triggers workshop can be found here: https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B-I8NCTgeqBbd0FlcnJfVHBhRkE&usp=sharing

It was a good day. There was a lot of enthusiasm and willingness to learn from each other. I hope that this can eventually be an annual thing and that next year we'll be back bigger and better!

Best gaming moments of 2015, in no particular order

1. Starting to Larp. My first event was Muster and Hush and the first larp of the day in particular, ‘Before and after silence’, a Black Box Nordic larp, was something I found revolutionary in the way it enabled me to express emotions, despite taking place in complete silence.
2. Playing campaigns - I played a Monsterhearts tabletop campaign and am playing in an ongoing larp called The Wave. I don’t get much chance to play campaigns and in both cases it was a chance to get really into the character's back story (and in the case of the Wave, in character e-mails). I really enjoy one shots but I love the depth that campaigns allow.
3. GMing. One game this year and it’s a one player, one GM scenario which I’m looking for new players for. But it’s a start. Watch out world!
4. Not strictly gaming, but getting to know some wonderful people. Sitting (or standing, or walking) around pretending to be someone else is a great introduction for the socially anxious. And then from there it’s much easier to have conversations.
5. Seeing the amazing things my friends have achieved this year; creating games, being published, running exciting, nuanced games. It’s been really fantastic.
6. Writing my first larp and running it, once as a pre playtest, once as a playtest and once because people requested me too. I’m very proud of it and excited. I’ll have to write another one soon!

And in 2016….

1. My game, Peace will hopefully be published in an anthology later in the year
2. Diversity, Discussions and Dice, an event about social issues in the gaming community will take place on 24th January https://www.facebook.com/events/936644033037738/
3. I will be playing Montsegur 1244 in January after a wait of only a year and a half!
4. I might be working on another project involving a larp warm up game. More to come on that later.

If there were a middle ground between things and the soul: White Death - a blackbox larp

Spoilers for White Death - if you are planning to play the game at any point then you shouldn't read this.

There is a fascination with life and death and what lies in between. A fascination with the difference between victory or defeat, between defiance and giving in. White Death, a black box larp written by Nina Runa Essendrop and Simon Steen Hansen, and hosted by James Harper explores these themes in an abstract, dreamlike way.

The concept of the game is loosely about a group of human settlers who are attempting to build a mountain community. Their human existence is difficult and desperate. This was represented by the fact that no verbal (or nonverbal signed) communication was allowed, by movement restrictions (mine was to walk like a marionette with strings on my legs, arms and wrists. We were also assigned arbitrary likes and dislikes (mine being ‘I envy people with a different hair colour than mine).We were also assigned allies and enemies and quickly made additional ones when the game started. The ‘human’ side of the larp took place in the light, the lit upside of a black room.

We had the ‘resources’ of balloons, which represented ideas, dessicated coconut which represented survival and white paper which represented faith. They appeared in a spotlight in the dark side of the room and we had to cross over to get them.

An interesting thing I have noted is often in non verbal larps items quickly become a method of communicating, either a currency (an exchange of one for another), a way of forming an alliance (giving something of yours away), or a status symbol (taking as much from other people as you can.) If you get immersed in the game these actions can become really meaningful. When someone replaced something that had been taken from me with something of their own it felt like a really intimate moment.

Non verbal larps are strange. Unlike the verbal freeform larps I’ve played there is no clearly defined character beyond a few descriptors. In the silence everything becomes more immediate and you become part yourself, part someone else. Perhaps the person you would've been, perhaps the person you wished you had the strength to be. I don’t think that’s quite right either though. My character was protective of the other settlers, trying to stop fights and comfort people who hurt. But she was also scared of the unknown.

During the second half of the game a human stepped out into the darkness and transformed into a white one, a being full of joy, a being which could be an angel, a spirit, simply snow or maybe a bit of all three. After that there were four snowstorms which were the only times the white ones become visible. During that time they could stand at the edge where the light and darkness connected and reach out for humans to join them. And my character (me?) was trying to hold people back, trying to bribe, or scare or physically prevent them from going somewhere where she only knew that they would not return from. This started as instinct although we knew, although we had been prepped in advance to know the people who were going were ‘going somewhere better’. Perhaps there was something within me that was repelled at the thought, that the symbolic crossing over and becoming angels was death. And perhaps this is where the defiance came in for me, that I didn't want people to go willingly for something uncertain. Or perhaps it was something in the character I created, who was trying to make peace and keep the community together. Whatever the reason, despite my best efforts everyone managed to cross apart from 4 of us by the time that the last storm arrived. Two of the people had definitely held out due to their own choices but one was, due to imposed limitations, was physically stuck to another and so may not have had much choice in the matter!

In the final storm we all had to cross. I was the last to go, this time trying to ensure the others crossed safely (and completely forgetting the physical limitations that I had in the process.) Then when I turned to cross there were a wave of hands reaching out for me which actually made me feel a bit emotional and accepted.

And on the other side there were bubbles and everyone was dancing. You were supposed to be the carefree element of light and air and I did feel lighter, like it was easier to drop my inhibitions and just move with pure joy. On this side there wasn't even a pretence at playing a character but you weren’t playing yourself either. You were playing a being who was somehow both greater and lesser than you had been.

It was a thought provoking larp with surprisingly emotional moments. It also played very interestingly with the nature of who we were and who we were playing. There was knowledge that our characters didn't have although Jamie, the organiser made a point of saying that it was fine to let go of the scenario and play however you preferred. I suspect there was a spectrum of attitudes there and I fell somewhere in the middle. I suspect some people tried to make sense of their restrictions and preference and created a fully rounded human character from it. I expect some people just played as themselves or did whatever seemed interesting in the moment. And I suspect some people, like me were caught between playing someone else and being themselves. And maybe understanding and reflecting on your actions as yourself is what enables you to explore the themes of the game and their meaning to you freely.

Tips for new GMs - of which I am one

It feels like a massive leap to be sitting (metaphorically or literally) on the other side of the table. Not only do you have to come up with a scenario and make it entertaining but you have to deal with the fact that your players are going to do the exact opposite to what you want and expect them to do and then frantically scramble round for a way to get the adventure back on course without railroading your players (virtually impossible).

An initial tip would be to start with something like Monsterhearts. You will need to introduce elements and ensure everyone feels confident enough to participate but if you are running a one shot you can basically give your players free reign.

The wonderful +Tom Pleasant  taught me about the concept of the 5 room dungeon which is a great way to create a short scenario. The idea is you have a beginning point and an end point that you are working towards (although if your players do something amazing that would make a fantastic end point that’s fine too.) The dungeon doesn’t have to be a literal dungeon. To take a typical fantasy setting a 5 room dungeon might look like this.

Except, spot the problem?  To achieve the ending you have to ensure that the characters take the right steps in the right order and that’s not likely. The only way you could run this scenario would be to guide them from event to event and not let them do anything else.

So a better way to write the scenario would be:

Now we have several different paths to several different endings and potentially a more interesting game that gives the characters options. You will still need to be prepared for players to deviate from the paths you have chosen but it will be likely you have covered most eventualities. The important part is to ensure the events that need to occur, occur. In this example you could probably start the story from the characters witnessing the dragon act, possibly replacing 1 with 2a if you wanted to start in medias res.

The scenario I was writing was one player, one GM which I think is a good way to start if you’re feeling nervous, especially if your player is someone who will give you feedback on what worked and what didn’t work afterwards. Also playing the same scenario with different people is a great way of exploring where players are likely to want to go. Another suggestion of Tom’s was to look at things you’ve recently watched or read, take a scene from them that stood out and then incorporate them, maybe with slight changes, into the game. I was writing a Cthulhu Dark scenario and my inspirations were:

A scene from a recent Dr Who.

A scene from Jessica Jones

A concept from a recent LARP I played.

A scene from Handling the Undead by John Ajvide Lindqvist

Once I had mashed them together and altered them to fit the game I don’t think any of them were recognisable. The game took about an hour and a half (including character creation which I want to experiment with and swapping in and out of coffee shops because they kept closing.) I’m not sure if it’ll get longer or shorter as I get more competent. Probably less waffly and with less of an info dump at the start. Once I’ve found a few more playtesters and run the game a few more times I will write about my experience with it and the dynamics of running the scenario with different characters. When you have one PC who they are and how they interact with the scenario matters a lot.

Mental health (not gaming related)

This post is not about gaming. I'm going to be talking about mental health issues. This may not interest you. That's fine. There will be more gaming posts coming soon.

I’m having a low patch at the moment. I know this will pass but my depression and anxiety are both overtaking me and I just want to hide under the duvet. What this means - well your experience may vary - but some of the fun thoughts I am having include:

• I’m useless.
• No one wants me around, they just put up with me out of pity.
• I’m weak.
• I’m going to feel this way forever.
• If I leave the house I’ll have a panic attack and everyone will see and judge me.
• I will have a panic attack in front of my friends and they will see me and judge me.
• Trauma related reactions which barely make sense to me and won't make sense to anyone else.

Here’s the thing about depression and anxiety. They lie. You have probably heard the analogy about having a broken bone. People say mental health difficulties should be treated like that, in the same way as a broken bone. You go to the doctor, you get the treatment you need. It’s true. But a broken bone doesn't lie to you. A broken bone hurts because it’s broken. It doesn't get inside your head and tell you that you’re not worth it.

By the way, you are worth it.

Depression lies. Anxiety lies.

And you are not alone. You realise that more and more as you talk to people. I’ve often heard the statistic quoted that 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems at some point in their life. I think it could be more than that.

The things that you’re telling yourself - they’re not true.

Depression lies. Anxiety lies.

I am writing this because one of the issues mental health problems cause are secrecy and isolation. If this applies to you, or has applied to you in the past, look after yourself. And hang on. One more day might make all the difference. It's lying to you. You aren't alone.

Lots of LARPs including 'Here Comes a Candle'

The game I posted about play testing here is now online along with lots of other fantastic larps. Please check them out. And if you happen to run 'Here Comes a Candle' at any point please let me know how it goes!

http://www.goldencobra.org/submissions2015.html

'Terps - Review of a LARP. Contains graphic violence

During the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq the US army employed a few thousand combat interpreters to assist them in negotiating with the local people. The combat interpreters were people who lived in the country, often with families, and were promised visas on the US's exit. They needed visas on the US's exit. By working with American troops they had been considered by the Taliban and ISIS to be the enemy. They were threatened. Their families were threatened. But it would be OK because once the war was over they could leave the country for safety and a better life.

It didn't happen like that

Although some were given visas, some were left in their country, no longer protected and facing retaliation. In November 14 Junid Herean in Afghanistan, was captured and killed by the Taliban, a reprisal for his role as an interpreter. He was 26 years old.

A man who gave his name as Nader, also in Afghanistan, said that he struggled against two Taliban troops who were attempting to execute him. They shot him in the leg, he lay down and they thankfully left. He believes that had he not struggled he would have been killed.

In Iraq Malak (name changed) is currently on the run from ISIS, family in tow, after seeing a video of his fellow interpreter and close friend be beheaded.

The life's of these men and the life's of their families are currently in danger. Some are waiting for the US visa they were promised, a process they were told that could take up to 5 years, others were fired by the US military, often they claim towards the end of the US's involvement in the war and over minor issues. Nadar claimed he was fired for refusing to shout at an Afghan woman.

                                                       _____________________________

When Jason Morningstar wrote 'Terps it was to tell this story. Combat interpreters trying to improve the war torn place where they lived and the lives of them and their families. A science fiction lens has been placed over the true events. The Combine, an interstellar peace keeping operation has despatched troops, known as COMPROFOR to the planet Sirai where law and safety have been threatened by the PFLS.

COMPROFOR, not familiar with the language or customs of the planet have employed combat interpreters to communicate with the people of Sirai. The combat interpreters will earn a good wage and at the end of the war they will get a Combine visa for themselves and their families. Everyone involved knew that leaving them behind unprotected would result in their death or worse at the hands of the PFLS who would now view them as traitors.

There were interpretation scenes, family scenes and process scenes where the interpreters were attempting to get their visas. The game I played was run by Graham Warmsley and Karolina Soltys.

I played Karijan. My character sheet said that I used to be a taxi driver in the capital of Sirai. The PFLS killed my husband and I sent my salary home to support my mother and child (when I explained this in the first scene it was clear that the COMPROFOR officer had no respect for the interpreters "You don't think about them having families, do you?") It also said on my character sheet that if COMPROFOR pulled out and left us behind PFLS would shoot me at the grave of my husband and make my child watch.

We each had 3 scenes and the majority were disturbing. Until my last scene I thought I'd got off lightly. After someone had experienced something horrible, the death of their wife or being shown the chopped off hand of their brother or after someone would refer to the Sarai people as 'us' after a mission Njel, a retired army officer would always say, "not us, them. We are Combine now." It was something he held onto even after his daughter had acid thrown in her face.

My first two scenes were an awkward one where I was trying to apply for a visa and an officer was interrogating me, finding something wrong with every one of my answers. My second scene was a relief, meeting my daughter in a safe house but lying to her about how she just had to wait a little longer and everything would be wonderful. I also lied in my third scene when I was brought into see a suspected PFLS member who had been badly beaten. She said that she knew where the base was and I told the officer that she didn't know. He dismissed it as her lying and said as an officer he couldn't been seen to be involved in anything unpleasant, but if he left the room for 5 minutes then maybe I could get something out of her. I refused until he said 'do you want a visa or not?'

I sat with her for a few minutes begging her to give something up. I didn't hit her until she threatened my child. 

When I came back to the barracks area and collapsed Njel reminded me that they weren't us any more.

Then, the last scene - they had done the job apparently and were just leaving a few local forces behind to clear things up a bit. They were sure our visas would be sorted eventually. We would just have to wait.

And they left.

We talked about another plan, rushed and panicked although we knew this was coming. We would take our families and go underground. We would hide for as long as we had to. We weren't Sirai citizens, we weren't part of The Combine. "we are us" Njel said - although of course that wasn't, never would be enough.

I want to believe in the 4 characters making their way to somewhere safe with their families, maybe even finding their way off the planet and on to a safer one. I can believe that if I want. I can believe that because it was a game. I can believe that because we were pretending. If only the combat interpreters left in Afghanistan and Iraq could be so lucky.

Here Comes a Candle - a playtest of the first larp I've written

Maybe you began trying to fight back alone, passing out subversive literature because you couldn't bear seeing the eager young eyes that shone up at you look defeated and broken in just a few short years. 

Or maybe you began alone because one day your brother vanished, your younger brother who you promised to look out for but who you could never teach to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself. The regime were pretending he hadn't existed so you found the biggest, blankest wall you could and spray painted a memorial to him. "Murdered - gone too soon"

And maybe, as you were about to be caught, as a leaflet was about to slip into the wrong hands, someone took it and winked. Or perhaps as you were running and dodging bullets that you knew would hit you soon, someone took your hand and pulled you to safety.

The 4 of you had similar stories, of wanting to fight, of needing to fight. This was the first time in your life you realised that you weren't alone.

So, perhaps you became bolder, or perhaps you became more cautious, feeling that the 3 other people, standing defiant beside you, were your family and without them you would be lost forever. 

Did it come as a surprise when you got caught, or did you know that someday this would happen? You had all seen cruelty by this point, real cruelty. Families tortured, houses burnt and worse. All in the name of public safety. 

So why did you not expect this? When the 4 of you were pushed lost and beaten into a cell and told that you had a chance to live? That despite your activities against the state the ruler had decided to be merciful. Only one of you had to die at dawn. The 4 of you had an hour to decide who it would be, which of your family, as they had now become, would be killed.

This was playtest 1b (playtest 1a consisted of 2 people and scribbled scraps of paper).
This one I tried to present the way the finished larp would be. All the characters had a reason to live, with questions challenging it, reasons to die, with questions challenging it and a memory that bonded them to the rest of the group. They created characters from this and then the game began. 

My favourite moments were:

- About halfway through the game characters switched from arguing for their lives to arguing about why all the others in the group had better reasons to live.

- My utter frustration that one of the characters that was in love with another character was just hinting at it and not saying it outright.

- The character playing an academic started arguing rationally and then admitted that she considered the rest of the group her family and couldn't bear to lose them.

- Everyone saying goodbye to the person who was going to be executed made me feel really emotional. 

- The anger of the character who was going to die as he read the statement confessing to committing the crimes and the look of powerlessness and despair on the faces of the other characters (which was what I was trying to evoke.)

I also got some brilliant feedback after the game:

- At one point I had asked the players to announce which reason to live they had picked (although not the attendant questions). I had told them to pick out their reason to die secretly and not share it out of character. I wanted it role played and I wanted it to come as a shock within the game. Some players said that they were reluctant to mention them in game as they were unsure if they still had to be kept secret. This is something that I have to correct when I write it up.

- I emphasised in the description of the game that the characters had been engaged in civil disobedience and peaceful protest. One of the players suggested that it would be interesting if they didn't fight peacefully. 

I agree it would be an interesting exploration of when and if it is necessary to fight violence with violence but I was afraid that it would add an extra issue when the players only had an hour to make a decision. I was also afraid it would add an extra layer of complexity at the cost of some of the emotional impact. I may add some suggestions on the finished document of how the game can be altered to allow this though.

- Another suggested question for the character sheet was 'what has the regime done to you?' I'm debating adding it because:

a) Sometimes when you've lived with something all your life it's difficult to see all the wrongs that have been committed against you clearly, particularly in the context of a regime that regularly lies to people.

b)It implies one big thing had to have happened which is probably true in the case of some of the characters. However, I would also like to leave room for someone to be fighting because 'it's the right thing to do' or because they've suffered millions of 'paper cuts' and can't take it any more. Or for someone to fight as an outlet for their anger.

I'd love to play test this again. Actually, I'd love to be a player in it at some point too but I think I'll have difficulty finding the players, time and a venue,

I'm entering it for the Golden Cobra Challenge which means I can't publish it at the moment. I will put up a link to it early - mid November though so that other people can download it and play it if they wish.

I am really excited about this game, not only because it's the first larp I've written but also because of the reactions of the play testers. It works! I'm not sure I expected that!

Role -playing, larping and real life issues

‘I don’t know why they don’t just…’  We’ve all heard it. Perhaps from strangers at the bus stop, perhaps from our friends. Explaining the course of action that someone who’s homeless, or having mental health difficulties or living in poverty should take. Or someone who is experiencing racism or sexism or another form of difficulty or discrimination that the speaker has never experienced. It’s sometimes hard not to think like that, however much you try to avoid it.  After all, there are organisations that offer support, people who can help, medications that can help. And why shouldn’t you shout back at a stranger who’s swearing at you in the street if you're a woman surrounded by people. What’s the worse that can happen?

Lately I’ve been struggling with the idea of whether roleplaying games and larps can be tools for social change, whether they can open up others to the experience of being oppressed or frightened or lost in a world that isn’t always designed for them.

And when I try to design a game I always run into the same problem in my head  ‘well, this is what I would do.’ I know from my own experience of mental illness that it isn’t that simple. Even for someone who is informed about their options (and I am privileged in many ways) the gulf between knowing about them and seeking them out can be so wide that it can be impossible to cross. 

How can I play a homeless person struggling when my instinct is to think of solutions? Because of course, I know how to use the internet and how to access it for free, if the worst came to the worst I have a support network who would help me and I am fundamentally not alone. And if I experienced poverty, real poverty, not student poverty, I would know I could go to the job centre, fill out a form in English and advocate for myself eloquently.

If I was playing a game where I was facing these issues, sure I could pretend, but I wouldn’t come away with any new understanding or experience. So how can I make that happen? I’ve spoken before about Zoe Quinn’s twine game Depression Quest which tries to deal with the issue. You play a depressed man and you have a number of options of things you can do to begin to recover. But options are crossed off and the more depressed you get, the less options are available to you. This is a good illustration of living with depression and not being able to talk about it or get help despite knowing, somewhere in your mind that that’s what you should be doing. I don’t think it goes far enough though. If you choose the best option you can each time the main character can begin to recover. And you know what the best option is. You know because the main character isn’t you and you’re not the one who has to face it.

How can we overcome this in games? Counters? Mechanics? Creating as an immersive experience as possible? Giving out character sheets explaining what the character knows and what they are capable of doing that day? But then they are stuck perpetually, not a human being but someone who has stopped learning and stopped growing.  And the player always knows that after the game or the larp they can get up and walk away.

And I want players to experience for a moment, that fear, that helplessness. I want to understand and I want other people to understand why people make decisions which might seem inadvisable but are the best and only option that person has.

I have heard the suggestion from a couple of people for a larp that would be played like Wraith. Each character would be played by two players - the character themselves and the side of them that has a list of their limitations. They’re frightened so they don’t answer men who catcall them in the street, they are depressed so they really can’t force themselves out the door for work even though they should have left half an hour ago, they can’t speak English so they don’t understand why they are getting benefit sanctions.

This was a lot of words to say I don’t have the answers. I would really appreciate any ideas though. Is role-play just a bad tool for social change or is there a solution? Or am I thinking in black and white? Is role-play an imperfect tool to create social acceptance and understanding and if so how can we improve it? I am really interested in your thoughts.

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