Exile: A Larp about depression, loneliness and connection

'A', sits in a dark room in a surreal plane of darkness. They share the last remaining food with a cat they befriended, who can talk, but no longer purrs, a shadow - an attached being who is part of A, yet independent and an embodiment of loneliness that can appear in any form.

The game is not about hopelessness, although despair seems to haunt the scenes. The play takes place entirely in the surreal plane, although stories from A's everyday life narrated by each character separate the scenes, and these take place in normal, everyday reality, one which A apparently no longer exists in.

As a prelude to the first act A spoke about her perfect sister who disappeared and had never been spoken of again. A could have tried to find out what happened to her but didn't. Why? Were they already detaching from everyday reality and becoming part of the dark world? A doesn't remember why they let it go so easily but is content to let it drift again. 
"It was a lifetime ago".

A, it became clear, was bitter and cynical. Whatever had gone before they were now trapped in a world of symbolic and literal darkness. A world reminiscent of depression where nothing mattered and everything was an effort. During the first scene, in a room lit by a dimly glowing lamp they speak with the shadow, the cat and the embodiment of loneliness. 

The shadow is almost childlike, wanting A to explore the world, to find light so that she could be seen. 
"Shadows can't be seen in darkness," she says
"And it's a shame because I'm beautiful, more beautiful than you... oh but it's not your fault, all shadows are more beautiful than their people."

The cat stopped the game slipping into outright misery. Desperately needing people and desperately hiding that need provided some light hearted moments, but moments that fit the tone of the game. The cat was the one driving the mission to find the last can of tuna, making it easier for A to leave the apartment than to argue.

Loneliness was an interesting character. I have no doubt that in some runs of the game loneliness is played as bitter and cynical, as flat as the way I played A. But here loneliness took an almost zen approach to their surroundings, encouraging A to keep waiting. That things were fine just as they were. That soon they would be over. Peaceful.

After the first scene, another story. And really the stories that the players told provided a lot of the insight and inner play that went into A's character. In the second one the player of the cat narrated a period of A's life where they had always gone to the shop with their parents and sister to buy sweets every Saturday, but gradually the sister stopped going, and then the parents stopped asking A if they wanted to go and finally A was watching from the window as the rest of the family came and left the house. 

Then, in the dark world, the trip to the supermarket to get the last can of tuna from the cat. Loneliness convincing the party to hide from possible movement in the distance. The shadow dancing under a street lamp feeling free until A pulled her away. A segue into another story, told by the shadow in character. A had just broken up with Matt and was crying. They had moved into a new flat and the shadow wanted to paint the walls bright colours and make everything look beautiful, and they could have done that, built a real life but A couldn't stop crying and she was 'so selfish'. And the shadow tried to tell them this but they couldn't hear. Which lead to A's only emotional outburst of the game as she and the shadow were huddled on the floor shouting at each other 
"You made me hope. You always made me hope. That's why I'm here."
They returned to the apartment. 

Back at the apartment, again dimly lit, the mood was solemn. There was one last can of tuna but when it was gone there was nothing. Only the cat ate. After playing out some discussions about what had happened, the world and A's past A said they were growing tired of it here. The shadow protested that there was some light, that they were needed to help feed the cat, that it was selfish to let go, because wherever A went the shadow had to follow.

Loneliness told a story, in character, of A's childhood. 
"You went to the fair with your sister and you won a balloon. Do you remember it? It was beautiful, you had never seen anything like it. But your sister, your younger sister who you loved wanted the balloon. And do you remember what you did."
A, voice wavering, eyes shut "I...I let go"
"Yes"
A sigh

A turns to her shadow. 
"We could let go. We can fall asleep"
"We might wake up"  The shadow replies.

They join hands.
                                                                   ****

The way I interpreted this game was an exploration of depression rather than loneliness. A depressed state would be hard to portray purely in a larp but the landscape was designed to be one which took the energy from A. Even the shadow, the most energetic and enthusiastic of characters could only find joy in the vague shimmer of light from the street lamp.

It is possible the 3 other characters were all parts of A trapped in the dark plane with them. It's possible the (unscripted) ending allowed A to come back to the real world. 

Some states, depression, loneliness. anxiety and lack of connection can be better explored through surreality and I think Exile does this well. However, for me the most intense and immersive moments came from the other character's stories about A's life, about what could've happened to bring them to this place. About whether there was a way back.


Exile can be found here.
     

Love in the Age of Debasement

Love in the age of debasement is a game about dysfunctional couples (at various levels of dysfunction). It’s quite an intense game obsentially about making the decision about whether to break up or stay together, but also about talking around a topic, and exploring power dynamics in a relationship.

Each couples had various issues, and we were playing next to a workaholic (who thought his partner was using him for money) and a party girl type (who wanted her partner to lighten up.) Their main conflict was whether they could continue as a couple given their different lifestyles, which was pre-generated information. You did have some options to create the background for the characters and in doing so you could create the stakes. Had they been together for 6 months? 18? Did they have shared friends? What were their hobbies and interests?

I played Hanna who was in a couple with Einar, her abusive boyfriend. This role came quite close to home in personal history, which is something that I wanted to explore. I felt that maybe there was something in the character I wanted to understand, to remember.  It felt safe. I was playing with a very good friend who had made it clear that he was looking out for me, one of the people I would really trust with this.

I found some of the mechanics of the game a bit difficult, but I wonder how much of that was in terms of our couple, who had a rather black and white dynamic. Although there was nuances - mainly put there by the wonderful person I was playing with, it was never going to be a situation with a potentially happy ending where the couple walked off into the sunset, all problems behind them.

The rules were that we could only address the issues in the relationship directly when our songs played (and after our last song when we had to decide whether to stay together or not). The two songs we chose were Tainted Love and Enjoy the Silence.

To start with this went quite well with Einar beginning apologetic and talking about plans for the future with Hanna. We did indirectly allude to the abuse, and I also established Hanna had been manipulated to the point where she believed that if she wasn’t the abuser herself then she was certainly partly responsible for it.

The issue of only being able to have the conversation about the partner’s central issue during the songs made things difficult and after the first song we let it slide a bit. I wonder if it was difficult for the other couples who had less black and white issues in their dynamic. We got in a bit of a circle and ended up playing out a process which would probably take a much longer time to play out in real life. Einar wanted Hanna to give up her job and Hanna wanted to keep her job, see her sister and visit her old friends from university. We played these conflicts out over again in a variety of ways.

Einar trying to force Hanna to call work and tell them she wasn’t coming in any more.

Einar taking her phone, deleting her work contacts and going through it. “Who’s James?”

Subtle threats, less subtle threats, shouting.

Hanna being sent to the bathroom after she started crying “tidy yourself up and stop making a scene.”

Hanna, with her best fake smile assuring Rita from the other couple that everything was fine.

Einar banging on the bathroom door “Hurry up”

“You just keep going on. We would be perfect if you didn’t keep going on all the time”

“Look at me. Now smile. Now kiss me. That’s better. We’re fine. Everything’s fine”

Hanna desperately apologising, not knowing what was wrong with her that she couldn’t keep the man she loved happy.

Talk of a child. Hanna realising this is something she wanted desperately.

Hanna saying “No, we shouldn’t have a child.”

Hanna suggesting she see a doctor or a therapist to find out why she acted so unpleasantly all the time.

Hanna daring Einar to hit her, telling him no-one was watching, wanting desperately to believe he could control his temper, that a child would be safe.

Einar telling her that she hadn’t heard the last of it. Storming out punching a wall on the way.

Einar and Hanna desperately clutching hands as the last song played, talking of going home, of decorating the house, of whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.

I think we got immersed to the point where we didn’t explore everything. We established that Hanna had been mainly isolated from her family and old friends, but not what Einar’s family were like. Traditional? Abusive? We didn’t really examine his reaction at all. The concept of the baby didn’t come up until near the end of the game, although it actually fuelled quite a large part of my internal play once the idea was there.

And why did Hanna stay? I wonder how many people have played the character before me, who have played a triumphant Hanna having a moment of realisation that she had to get out. How many others played a Hanna who was rescued (in the debrief the couple at the table next to us revealed that they had slipped out to phone the police who had been unhelpful.) And maybe less often, how many times did Einar’s player promise to change and mean it (at least for the moment.) But we didn’t play like that. Hanna was afraid, and she had been manipulated into believing she was complicit in the abuse. She had been worn down until she was dependent and had been isolated from her friends and family, from anyone who suggested that maybe Einar wasn’t good for her. And they were all reasons. But there was another one, one which isn’t often talked about in this narrative and that is the pure intensity of a relationship where you’re the centre of someone’s world. When you’re on a pedestal, adored, when you’re terrified to slip. Maybe that’s another reason.

I fell easily into Hanna’s mentality, but despite my experiences of abuse and despite Hanna’s fear of and for herself I never once as a player felt frightened or unsafe. I wonder how it would have felt to play against someone I didn’t trust so much and I’m not sure if I would have been able to do it.

It does raise an interesting question about playing games inclusively (and I do genuinely feel that we should be welcoming to people who are new to the hobby or the group) and playing characters who are more of a stretch for you in a small group of people you know and trust.

I suppose these options aren’t really mutually exclusive. I’ve been part of campaigns where the players have been selected as a continuation of previous campaigns and also larps and RPGs with lots of new players. I enjoy Nordic larping, and that can be intense. I remember how nervous I was the first time I played. So I think running games for newcomers should always be an option but so should playing games that stretch you in ways you only want to risk around people you know. Games where you can explore and understand things about yourself.

http://larpfactorybookproject.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/love-in-age-of-debasement.html

Diversity, Discussion and Dice

I'm still on the high that I felt when this day was over. The organisation and running of this event was only possible because of the help and support of my wonderful friends and fellow roleplayers. I was surprised at the interest in the diversity day when it was first suggest as a concept. I had several people say to me that an attempt to address several issues in one day was really welcome as a lot of cons have an hour long slot for diversity in gaming as a catch all. Thankfully we had some fantastic entertaining speakers and participants who contributed thoughtfully and brought a lot to the discussion.

We had 6 talks throughout the day in two rooms:

Dealing with triggers while gaming which I ran as a workshop on the meaning of triggering different safety techniques which were currently used and how they could be improved. There was a nice turnout and enough people to split the group into 4 so that we could examine techniques in more depth. (There was a singing class taking place in the background so sometimes I'd make a point and hear some inspiring music well up behind me - I would recommend that to all nervous public speakers!)

At the same time in the other room Graham Walmsley ran a talk and discussion on Other histories: Positve perspectives on Queerness and Women

In the second slot Joanna Piancastelli ran a talk on how to play characters which are different from yourself both sensitively and well.

Anita Murray ran a talk called Playing with Sex, looking at the positive aspects of sex in role playing. There was also a very interesting facilitated discussion that arose from this which covered bleed, consent and whether roleplayed sex could be romantic.

In the final slot Helen Gould ran a talk and discussion called Leaving the West which was about looking at different ways to set roleplaying games and play characters outside a Western setting with a particular focus on Africa.

Karolina Soltys ran a talk on sensitive and realistic portrayal of mental health issues in roleplaying which then became an interesting discussion on bleed and whether games could be designed which portrayed mental health in an accurate way.

After that we had a gaming session with Stiainín Jackson running her game Court Whispers, Karolina running a hack of the game A family affair involving one of the characters having mental health issues and Richard Williams running B x B by Jake Richmond and Heather Aplington.

Some of the transcripts of the talks and a write up of the triggers workshop can be found here: https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B-I8NCTgeqBbd0FlcnJfVHBhRkE&usp=sharing

It was a good day. There was a lot of enthusiasm and willingness to learn from each other. I hope that this can eventually be an annual thing and that next year we'll be back bigger and better!

Best gaming moments of 2015, in no particular order

1. Starting to Larp. My first event was Muster and Hush and the first larp of the day in particular, ‘Before and after silence’, a Black Box Nordic larp, was something I found revolutionary in the way it enabled me to express emotions, despite taking place in complete silence.
2. Playing campaigns - I played a Monsterhearts tabletop campaign and am playing in an ongoing larp called The Wave. I don’t get much chance to play campaigns and in both cases it was a chance to get really into the character's back story (and in the case of the Wave, in character e-mails). I really enjoy one shots but I love the depth that campaigns allow.
3. GMing. One game this year and it’s a one player, one GM scenario which I’m looking for new players for. But it’s a start. Watch out world!
4. Not strictly gaming, but getting to know some wonderful people. Sitting (or standing, or walking) around pretending to be someone else is a great introduction for the socially anxious. And then from there it’s much easier to have conversations.
5. Seeing the amazing things my friends have achieved this year; creating games, being published, running exciting, nuanced games. It’s been really fantastic.
6. Writing my first larp and running it, once as a pre playtest, once as a playtest and once because people requested me too. I’m very proud of it and excited. I’ll have to write another one soon!

And in 2016….

1. My game, Peace will hopefully be published in an anthology later in the year
2. Diversity, Discussions and Dice, an event about social issues in the gaming community will take place on 24th January https://www.facebook.com/events/936644033037738/
3. I will be playing Montsegur 1244 in January after a wait of only a year and a half!
4. I might be working on another project involving a larp warm up game. More to come on that later.